Just over a fortnight ago the wedding took place of my life long friend Chris to his fiancée Louise in Kirkbymoorside, North Yorkshire. It was a momentous day, for which I had the honour of being one of two best men. Amongst our duties, my counterpart, Ian and I wrote a best man speech, of which I was really rather proud.
For posterity's sake and so the jokes don't get forgotten in the mists of time, here is the full speech in all its questionable glory...
Jim - Firstly, we’d like to congratulate Chris and Louise on their marriage. We know they’ll be very happy together and you’ll all agree it has been a magnificent and very special day for everyone.
Ian - I’m sure, like us, you’ll also be looking forward to a wonderful evening and as best men we will be demanding your participation in the dancing so don’t say you haven’t been warned.
Jim - Now before we begin, I know Chris and Louise were hoping we wouldn’t make too many jokes about the great ‘divide’…
Ian – That’s right, so please know that for our part we won’t be tolerating any of this “us versus them” mentality and, at least for the duration of the Wedding Day, if you could refrain from making any lazy, stereotypical gags about Crystal Palace fans, it would be much appreciated.
Jim - It’s a pleasure to be here in Yorkshire. I don’t know much about the region I’ll be honest but I have always been a huge fan of Yorkshire Tea.
Ian - And I’m particularly partial to your puddings.
Jim - I do know that, as well as being home to some of our favourite foodstuffs, Yorkshire is also home to Louise’s family and many of her friends and I’m sure I speak on behalf of Chris, his family and all us southerners when I say thank you for the warm welcome you’ve shown us today.
Ian - And as a token of our gratitude you can rest assured that most of us will be leaving as soon as possible come the morning!
Jim - Although, Yorkshire can boast the birth place of some of England’s most famous sons. Michael Parkinson and Brian Clough spring to mind as typical of the down to earth, straight talking, man’s man of which Yorkshire is rightly very proud. What you all make of our Groom is anyone’s guess!
Ian - In fact a recent survey suggested that 66% of the population enjoy solving puzzles which means at least two thirds of you will be trying to work out what on earth Louise sees in him. Well Chris, whatever black magic you’ve had up your sleeve, it seems to be working so far.
Jim - And if the Black Magic does wear off you could always try a Terry’s Chocolate Orange.
Ian - Trying to write a speech highlighting the positive traits of Chris’ character is a lot like embarking on a shopping trip to Primark. You start off with a vague idea of what you want, you spend hours rummaging through the uninspiring mess of material on offer until, frustrated and weary, you end up with nothing but a cheap pile of pants!
Jim - So lacking in any other inspiration for this best man’s speech, we considered turning to the old tradition of exposing the darkest hours and most sinister tales from the groom’s past; to open the cupboard doors and reveal the skeletons lurking therein…
Ian - Unfortunately, our groom’s past is duller than the key note lecture at a paperclip manufacturer’s convention, so this section of our speech is sadly bereft of any such scandal. However, between you and me, there is one legendary horticultural escapade that we could be bribed into divulging on a strictly one-to-one basis. Something to bear it in mind should you see either of us waiting at the bar later this evening.
Jim - Chris is a man known by many names, not all of them defamatory. For those long-suffering members of Chris’ five-a-side football team, “Barely Athletic”, he is “The Chief”. Many years ago, The Chief assumed the responsibility of captaining our side, which was strange considering he’d never been offered the position.
Ian – Yes, who could forget his inspirational speeches and such nuggets of wisdom as “All we’ve got to do is score more goals than the opposition” delivered so earnestly as to suggested this was the greatest piece of motivational speaking ever heard. There are those who lead by example and the Chief has certainly shown us the way in which he thinks the beautiful game should be played.
Jim - In fact, he still remains the only member of the team to have ever been sent off. A feat he’s achieved twice! Of course he claims that both red cards were, in his words, “a bit soft”.
Ian - But to most of his school friends, Chris will always be known as Chudies, a nickname not only formed from his first initial and the first part of his surname but also Hindi slang for underpants!
Jim - It’s no wonder the nickname has stuck, although now Chris has managed to coax Louise into the marital bed, I suppose sticky underpants will be a thing of the past!
Ian - But how did our happy couple first meet? Well, I was actually present at that historic first meeting. It was at the Clapham Grand nightclub in London. Their eyes met across the dancefloor and you could see that it was meant to be…
Jim - They were the only two people within each other’s eye line!
Ian - As they approached each other, brushing the bobbing heads aside as if moving through long grass, there was definitely an explosive spark between them, which I can only presume was Chris’ free will disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Jim - Yet since those early fumblings on the dancefloor, your love has grown and grown until we find ourselves here on this happy day. It’s miraculous….especially considering our grooms terrible dancing skills. And if you want proof just wait until a little later in the evening and you’ll see what we mean!
Ian – But It is impossible to deny the positive effect Louise has had on Chris. Before you, this was a man who considered dressing up for the evening to be simply ironing his t-shirt.
Jim - Yet you’ve not only been an inspiration to Chris’ wardrobe but you’ve also encouraged him to lead a far healthier lifestyle, motivating him to take up running in particular. The two of you can often be seen jogging in the local park, although not together, as Chris is more often than not trailing behind you by some distance.
Ian - Louise, there is no doubt you make Chris extremely happy and we know that, despite all the personality flaws we’ve so diligently highlighted, he will do everything in his power to make you just as happy in return.
Jim - We think we’ve painted a pretty vivid picture of the man you’ll be spending the rest of your life with and the fact you’re still sitting here with a smile on your face and haven’t fled in panic to the nearest airport bodes very well for your future life together.
Ian - All that remains is for us to read out the following message from someone who, regrettably, couldn’t join us here today.
Jim - This message is from your beloved pet cat, Dexter!
Ian - “Dear Mummy and Daddy,
Jim - I hope you are enjoying your big day and wish you a wonderful time as Daddy whiskas you away on honeymoon.
Ian - Mummy, while you’re away, make sure Daddy treats you like the Queen of Sheba and don’t worry about me as I’ll be busy hiding several small presents for you to hunt on your return.
Jim - Iams delighted for you both and have a feline in my bones that yours will be a long and happy marriage.
Ian - All my love, kisses, purrs and meows, your loveable mog, Dexter”
Jim – So let that be the catalyst for a fantastic evening of laughter, music and most importantly, drink!
Ian – And in immediately dedicating ourselves to the latter, please join us in a/one last toast on behalf of the bridesmaids to the Bride and Groom.
Jim – To Chris and Louise!!
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