Saturday Night Jungle Fever

Scene: Sounds of the jungle - birds squawk, etc etc. Two men, dressed in formal evening wear from the waist up and oversized khaki shorts and jungle boots from the waist down sit on logs in a clearing in the middle of the jungle. They're drinking brandy and smoking cigars.

(Both talk in mock well-to-do accent but can't help slipping back into their cockney leanings - Think Pete & Dud putting it on)

1st Man: - I say, frightful weather we're having.
2nd Man: (woken from his slumber) - eh, what's that dear boy? I must have taken a post banquet nap.
1st Man - I was just thinking how terribly depressing this weather is. Raining cats and dogs all day.
- Quite, quite.
- I was at the Kipling Theatre for the matinee peformance yesterday...
- Oh yes, what d'you see?
- The Lion King... Soaked on the way out just getting to the car.
- I know. Only yesterday, I was out with my driver in the Jaguar, you know, we were caught in a terrible downpour, terrible. Tropical it was!
- Ahh shame, where were you heading?
- The Lagoon
- The Lagoon? (Looking around sheepishly) Is that the eh... new...erm...gentlemens club I keep hearing about?
- No the lagoon, it was time for my evening soak!! As it was I only need step from under the canopy.
- Well do tell me, what's that new establishment I've heard so much about, opening near where the Oryx herd are, just left of the savannah?
- Well don't you know? It's a Spearmint Rhino's!
- Ah yes, well I hear it's the talk of the upper canopy.
- Awful denizen of harlotry, I suggest you stay away my dear boy. Animals, the lot of them. Filth!
- Well I must say, I'm terribly out of my depth when it comes to anatomy. You could say I don't know a Baboon's arse from my elbow.
- My dear fellow, there's your problem. You should find yourself a nice, quiet, young lady...... stop messing around with these ruddy Baboons!!!...You must know they have a terrible reputation among the indigenous tribes...and selfish lovers to boot!
- Well I've always found them quite charming!..... Well, well, it's been a fine evening. Thank you for the feast but I must be heading off now - Wilson does so love his 'I'm a Celebrity', he'll be fraught if I don't let him drive me back home to The Brambles.
- Don't you mean The Bamboo's?...Anyway, you shouldn't let him watch that tripe you know.
- Well why ever not?
- Well, I mean, they're in a world of their own those celebrities, don't even know they're born. I don't even think they're in the real jungle.
- Oh come on, you're just being cynical.
- Well have you seen them round here on a Saturday night? Mark my words. It's all a sham. Cheerio then old bean.
- Right...yes...toodlepip old boy....(to imagined waiting butler)...Wilson! Wilson!!